Here are just 10 images from the past 24 hours. Thank you to Ash Parsons, via the Isolation Journals.
the drip coffee waking me up enough to answer messages from my brother
the Canada goose pretending to be a swan decoy in the pool
the crisp, cool air at 6 a.m.
the delicious aroma escaping from the open back of Portofino bread delivery truck
the chives, sage and parsley surviving the first cold night planted in the garden box
the birds, so many birds, chirping happily in the hedges around the backyard
the joy I feel when sit down to play the piano, learning new pieces and preparing for live-streaming
entering quietly into the empty church to fill it with the flute, trumpet and other sounds of the pipe organ, entering into my special zone when I feel powerful for two hours
enjoying a leisurely stroll in the park with a friend, exploring the gardens to find new flowers for her photo record — 365 days of flowers project
looking out my windows to see green everywhere — plants, trees, shrubs, hedges
I’m not much good at creating or following rituals. In the past I have rebelled against them. I could not have gone along with Sheldon Cooper’s life-style of expecting a specific meal on each night of the week.
When I first met my late husband, Michael, I soon realize that he had certain “rituals” that helped him feel secure in some way. Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning he had cereal for breakfast; Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday it was hot oatmeal. Sunday was special….eggs with garlic and basil on toast. When I got to know his mum better I knew that he came by that rigid schedule quite naturally. We moved in together after his 5 month stay in rehab. (I might explain all that later). Unfortunately my natural tendency to move away from ritual caused some anxiety, although Michael was so sweet that he never was upset with me.
Finding a way to create a ritual for keeping consistent with the blogging will not be easy for me. My schedule changes daily and even weekly. Toffee helps out by getting me up long before the crack of dawn, so I have plenty of time for 2 cups of coffee every morning.
Almost a year ago I subscribed to Suleika Jaouad’s “The Isolation Journals”. Over the year I have received many writing prompts, which included short essays about the author, as well as background on the prompt. My life became very busy again so unfortunately many of those email remain unopened. But, during the spring break last month I had some free time and began writing.
Then, April started and I needed to prepare for a live-streaming church service for Easter morning. The closer that got, the more I found out that I needed to do for the service, and once again my daily life became consumed with that preparation and the stress of not being sure what was going to happen. To my surprise, it all turned out fine, and I felt better after playing the service than I had in a long, long time. And now, I can write again.
I intend to follow through with Suleika’s most recent challenge of writing every day for 30 days. To catch up I’ll have to write twice each day.
The first prompt to write about is to tell when we answered “fine” to a question, just because we didn’t want to be honest, and why. So, over the years, that has been a standard answer of mine when people asked how I was doing. Often “fine” was the only way I could answer without breaking into tears. After my husband died from a brain tumour, when I was very obviously grieving, people would ask “how are you?”?? How was I supposed to answer that?
When I was in high school, the mother of one of my classmates and friends from church would answer honestly when greeted with “how are you today?” I remember my own mom thinking that was quite odd, and socially not really acceptable in our culture. What would happen if we all answered honestly?
Today I am fine, so that would be an honest answer. Two days ago I was so stressed about that upcoming church gig that my skin broke out in rashes from stressed related eczema. My answer then should have “paralyzed with fear”, or “crappy”, or “wishing I had said “no” to the request.
Most likely I will continue to let people know that I am fine, at least until I meet a friend who really wants to know the honest answer.
Yesterday the BC health authorities announced more restrictions; today people are complaining and criticizing the inconsiderate shut-downs, saying they were blind-sided. How can anyone be blind-sided? We could see the numbers rising, and anyone who pays attention to the news should have expected this, or at least similar guidelines and restrictions.
I can’t criticize business owners who are severely affected, nor can I put down religious leaders who “wasted” several hours planning in-person Easter services, only to have that freedom lifted again. My livelihood is no longer seriously affected by any of these restrictions. But, my life did change a year ago when suddenly 75% of my income was canceled. After a week of reflecting, I took up the challenge to move to online teaching. Performing wasn’t in the cards at that point, but over the year I have increased my number of students, learn a lot about engaging students and singers online, and now have a weekly chance to perform via Zoom.
We have heard over and over throughout ours lives “when God closes a door, he opens a window”. So, now I just spent several minutes looking up quotes. Here is one from Alexander Graham Bell:
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
quotes.yourdictionary.com
I have had many doors close in my life, and often the closing of the doors was sped up by me slamming them behind me as I stormed on through! Sometimes the closed doors are subtle and hidden from sight until I look back and see how much the direction of my life has changed.
This post took over two days to write, mostly because of the busyness of life getting in the way. Tomorrow we will be doing a Zoom call with mom and dad, and all of my kids. That is something to look forward to!
A few minutes ago I was looking at photos taken of the full moon overnight in Bangkok, Thailand. This was posted by someone who sang in a choir that I directed many years ago when I lived there. She was very young, just in university, and we reconnected via Facebook earlier this month. It is fantastic to see people after so many years, and catch with their lives.
This person posted a few photos of the full moon, and as I responded to her posted, I started thinking about how “close” we really, when in just 14 hours I can look up at the sky and watch the same moon that my friends and family have just seen it. Some day I will return to Bangkok when travel is safe again, and visit with family, former students and many friends. Our lives will always be connected in some way.
This photo was taken very early this past Saturday morning. We love walking along the shoreline, watching birds, listening to waves, and smelling the ocean air.
When I first moved to Victoria I would walk daily to this area, soaking in the experiences of living by the ocean. Each day I picked up a small stone (there is no sand on the beach, only smooth, rounded stones) and add to my collection. After several months the basket on my kitchen counter was quite full, and my life became too busy for the daily walks.
“The wound is the place where the light gets in” (Rumi)
This morning I received another email from Suleika Jaouad, with a prompt written by breathing coach, Taylor Somerville. He quoted Rumi (see quote above), and encouraged us to reflect on our biggest challenge of last year, and how did/could that wound let the light in. Where should I begin?
Toffee and I are heading out for a very early morning walk, and I will complete this when we return.
There were so many challenges, both deep down inside my heart and soul, as well as the “surface” challenges. Since I seldom speak out loud about things deep inside (mostly because I have not been able to form those thoughts into words) I will write about some of the tangible challenges.
Obviously, my work as a musician and music teacher was immediately affected by the pandemic and resulting shut-down. My performance and work as a collaborative pianist ended abruptly, and after a couple of weeks of thinking, listening and planning I resumed teaching online. But, what was very important to me, was the continuation of my children’s choir. Nobody knew how long the online experience was going to last, and we still have no idea when we will be together in the same room again, but this past year of online choir rehearsals has taught me a lot about resilience.
I knew that some children would not do well with zoom rehearsals, but the real important thing was to first get the parents on board. The parents who were neither afraid nor suspicious of online rehearsing were able to encourage their children. We lost a few who are waiting for the start of in-person rehearsals, and we have gained some who otherwise, because of health issues and the fear of catching Covid-19 didn’t allow them to join other in-person children’s choirs. And we have had fun, being patient with each other, learning along with each other.
The children have completed two audio recording projects this past year.
Shalom, Pacem, Peace
Bashana haba’ah
After countless webinars, online round tables sessions, training videos and much trial and error I have seen not only my skills as a singer and leader improve, but I have seen the children engaged and enthusiastic about learning and about seeing each other every week.
This was a challenge, and I do spend a lot of time preparing each week, but every minute is worth it see joy on the faces of the children, and to know that I am helping each child cope with the pandemic and all the anxiety, fear and learning that it brings.
So much bad and sad news happening. Cases of Covid-19 are rising all over the world, including in BC. My son had to close the restaurant for 2 weeks because of the exposure to several of his staff.
Vaccinations are happening, but I fear that the population that should be getting them right now are those from 20 to 39 who are leading the current surge. Is it because they are tired of being so careful about their contacts, or do they not understand the reasons or the logic of restrictions. So, where does “socialize only with your household” mean “I kept with the bubble of friends”? Do people not understand that the restrictions are meant to help us, not punish???
We are near the end of Spring Break and apparently people travelled, a lot. In 1 to 2 weeks from now we will see the results of that. I was considering a trip to the mainland to visit my children, but decided that I needed to be even more careful, and am now very thankful that I said “no”.
Last Friday, while chatting with my neighbour, I noticed a squirrel going into my roof/soffit/attic? It’s all the same to me….basically invading my space. Squirrels are cute, and fun to watch, but I understand they can create havoc when inside a house. A student of mine in Bangkok had her telephone wire chewed apart by a squirrel many years ago. They can start fires by chew electrical wires, and/or create a stench by using the attic as their private bathroom.
Those all justifications for me to contact the pest control people. Within 3 days we have trapped 4 squirrels. Considering how many times the pest people reminded me that squirrels are territorial and there won’t be many, I am still not convinced. Maybe when 1 squirrel is relocated, 2 or 3 others try to move in? Will continue to trap squirrels until they are gone from the city??? Considering each trip here to pick up the trapped rodent and relocate it costs $90 I am wondering how much we will be forking out in the end!
It tears at my heart to see each squirrel trapped and frantic in those small cages; trying to chew their way through the metal bars. I am claustrophobic as a result a very abusive relationship many years ago, and the images of those squirrels brings back horrible memories. It appears as though I have unresolved trauma to work through. Maybe.
Toffee loves chasing the squirrels. It is different from when he chases cats. He dislikes cats, but wants to play with the squirrels. He has been extra sad these couple of days — maybe he senses I am sad, or maybe he understands that the squirrels are trapped.
Almost a year ago I was watching (on YouTube) the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. He and his pianist, Jon Batiste were talking and laughing, as usual! They mentioned the person who had more than a fair share of vowels in her name. I was intrigued and searched for Suleika Jaouad. She was offering “The Isolation Journals” as a way to reflect through the pandemic. I signed up to receive a daily writing prompt, but at the time I had no motivation to write…or when I did write, it was on scrap paper which I promptly recycled.
Now that I am writing almost daily, I decided to check out the latest prompt, “Greater than the Sum of Parts”, by Maura Kate Costello. She wrote about a palimpsest and her own thoughts about our lives as palimpsests. It got me thinking about the last time I tried to re-invent myself. A few years after my husband passed away I moved to a new city. The plan was to stop teaching private music lessons (after 37 years of trying to encourage and inspire young people to want to improve their skills) and spend even more time as a collaborative pianist, church organist and choir director. That went well for the first couple of years until the minister decided I was threat to his popularity and process of constructive dismissal ended with my resignation and months and years of regaining confidence. During that time I did take on a piano student whose teacher was to leave the country for 1 year.
That 1 year turned into 6, and the 1 student grew to 25. A year ago of course, all my performance and rehearsal gigs were cancelled — so my attempt at reinventing my life has gone full circle back to where it was. But this time it is with a difference. The pandemic and resulting online lessons, and online children’s choir rehearsals has taught me to rethink my priorities in teaching. Is there any reason to aim for perfection or extreme musicality in the student’s playing or singing, or is the purpose to instil confidence and a love of music and a love of learning? I don’t mind the isolation, and would rather stay home than take a risk at picking up any illness, but each time I go online to teach or to lead the rehearsal I end up more encouraged and reinvigorated.
Several weeks ago I was chatting with a friend who was supervising her class out on the playground. A delightful girl came running up to ask my friend a question, then quickly ran away again, and my friend said “oh….this morning she is away with the fairies”.
Well, that was a new expression for me, and finally this morning I looked it up to see if it was common use. And yes, it is, and has been since the late 20th century. Apparently its roots come from the Scots/Irish Gaelic tradition of belief in fairies that would take people away. Now it refers one who is in a dream world, daydreaming, not facing reality.
Last summer I came across a small stump in the back garden. Growing from this stump was lichen and moss. It looked just like a fairies garden chair. Being away with the fairies in that quiet, undisturbed back corner of the garden seems like a perfect way to get lost in daydreams.
Reflections 