More Reflections

“The wound is the place where the light gets in” (Rumi)

This morning I received another email from Suleika Jaouad, with a prompt written by breathing coach, Taylor Somerville. He quoted Rumi (see quote above), and encouraged us to reflect on our biggest challenge of last year, and how did/could that wound let the light in. Where should I begin?

Toffee and I are heading out for a very early morning walk, and I will complete this when we return.

There were so many challenges, both deep down inside my heart and soul, as well as the “surface” challenges. Since I seldom speak out loud about things deep inside (mostly because I have not been able to form those thoughts into words) I will write about some of the tangible challenges.

Obviously, my work as a musician and music teacher was immediately affected by the pandemic and resulting shut-down. My performance and work as a collaborative pianist ended abruptly, and after a couple of weeks of thinking, listening and planning I resumed teaching online. But, what was very important to me, was the continuation of my children’s choir. Nobody knew how long the online experience was going to last, and we still have no idea when we will be together in the same room again, but this past year of online choir rehearsals has taught me a lot about resilience.

I knew that some children would not do well with zoom rehearsals, but the real important thing was to first get the parents on board. The parents who were neither afraid nor suspicious of online rehearsing were able to encourage their children. We lost a few who are waiting for the start of in-person rehearsals, and we have gained some who otherwise, because of health issues and the fear of catching Covid-19 didn’t allow them to join other in-person children’s choirs. And we have had fun, being patient with each other, learning along with each other.

The children have completed two audio recording projects this past year.

Shalom, Pacem, Peace
Bashana haba’ah

After countless webinars, online round tables sessions, training videos and much trial and error I have seen not only my skills as a singer and leader improve, but I have seen the children engaged and enthusiastic about learning and about seeing each other every week.

This was a challenge, and I do spend a lot of time preparing each week, but every minute is worth it see joy on the faces of the children, and to know that I am helping each child cope with the pandemic and all the anxiety, fear and learning that it brings.

news

So much bad and sad news happening. Cases of Covid-19 are rising all over the world, including in BC. My son had to close the restaurant for 2 weeks because of the exposure to several of his staff.

Vaccinations are happening, but I fear that the population that should be getting them right now are those from 20 to 39 who are leading the current surge. Is it because they are tired of being so careful about their contacts, or do they not understand the reasons or the logic of restrictions. So, where does “socialize only with your household” mean “I kept with the bubble of friends”? Do people not understand that the restrictions are meant to help us, not punish???

We are near the end of Spring Break and apparently people travelled, a lot. In 1 to 2 weeks from now we will see the results of that. I was considering a trip to the mainland to visit my children, but decided that I needed to be even more careful, and am now very thankful that I said “no”.

New Roommate

Last Friday, while chatting with my neighbour, I noticed a squirrel going into my roof/soffit/attic? It’s all the same to me….basically invading my space. Squirrels are cute, and fun to watch, but I understand they can create havoc when inside a house. A student of mine in Bangkok had her telephone wire chewed apart by a squirrel many years ago. They can start fires by chew electrical wires, and/or create a stench by using the attic as their private bathroom.

Those all justifications for me to contact the pest control people. Within 3 days we have trapped 4 squirrels. Considering how many times the pest people reminded me that squirrels are territorial and there won’t be many, I am still not convinced. Maybe when 1 squirrel is relocated, 2 or 3 others try to move in? Will continue to trap squirrels until they are gone from the city??? Considering each trip here to pick up the trapped rodent and relocate it costs $90 I am wondering how much we will be forking out in the end!

It tears at my heart to see each squirrel trapped and frantic in those small cages; trying to chew their way through the metal bars. I am claustrophobic as a result a very abusive relationship many years ago, and the images of those squirrels brings back horrible memories. It appears as though I have unresolved trauma to work through. Maybe.

Toffee loves chasing the squirrels. It is different from when he chases cats. He dislikes cats, but wants to play with the squirrels. He has been extra sad these couple of days — maybe he senses I am sad, or maybe he understands that the squirrels are trapped.

Journal writing

Almost a year ago I was watching (on YouTube) the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. He and his pianist, Jon Batiste were talking and laughing, as usual! They mentioned the person who had more than a fair share of vowels in her name. I was intrigued and searched for Suleika Jaouad. She was offering “The Isolation Journals” as a way to reflect through the pandemic. I signed up to receive a daily writing prompt, but at the time I had no motivation to write…or when I did write, it was on scrap paper which I promptly recycled.

Now that I am writing almost daily, I decided to check out the latest prompt, “Greater than the Sum of Parts”, by Maura Kate Costello. She wrote about a palimpsest and her own thoughts about our lives as palimpsests. It got me thinking about the last time I tried to re-invent myself. A few years after my husband passed away I moved to a new city. The plan was to stop teaching private music lessons (after 37 years of trying to encourage and inspire young people to want to improve their skills) and spend even more time as a collaborative pianist, church organist and choir director. That went well for the first couple of years until the minister decided I was threat to his popularity and process of constructive dismissal ended with my resignation and months and years of regaining confidence. During that time I did take on a piano student whose teacher was to leave the country for 1 year.

That 1 year turned into 6, and the 1 student grew to 25. A year ago of course, all my performance and rehearsal gigs were cancelled — so my attempt at reinventing my life has gone full circle back to where it was. But this time it is with a difference. The pandemic and resulting online lessons, and online children’s choir rehearsals has taught me to rethink my priorities in teaching. Is there any reason to aim for perfection or extreme musicality in the student’s playing or singing, or is the purpose to instil confidence and a love of music and a love of learning? I don’t mind the isolation, and would rather stay home than take a risk at picking up any illness, but each time I go online to teach or to lead the rehearsal I end up more encouraged and reinvigorated.

Day Six

Away with the fairies…..

Several weeks ago I was chatting with a friend who was supervising her class out on the playground. A delightful girl came running up to ask my friend a question, then quickly ran away again, and my friend said “oh….this morning she is away with the fairies”.

Well, that was a new expression for me, and finally this morning I looked it up to see if it was common use. And yes, it is, and has been since the late 20th century. Apparently its roots come from the Scots/Irish Gaelic tradition of belief in fairies that would take people away. Now it refers one who is in a dream world, daydreaming, not facing reality.

Last summer I came across a small stump in the back garden. Growing from this stump was lichen and moss. It looked just like a fairies garden chair. Being away with the fairies in that quiet, undisturbed back corner of the garden seems like a perfect way to get lost in daydreams.

Fairy garden chair.

Day Five

I wasn’t sure what to call this post — Day Five, because it’s the 5th day I have written anything, or Day Six, because I skipped day 5. But, nobody is grading this blog, and I can make up my own rules.

Have you listened to Desirée Dawson’s song To Be Me? “I don’t need permission to be free, to be me”. (Another song of hers, Just Fine, helped get me through the first few months of the pandemic.) So today I will continue my quest to be me, to make up my rules: rules that work for me.

My good friend, an extremely wise, generous, loving and kind man came into my life as a mentor and friend back in 2001. I had just moved to a new city and needed work. He was my assigned work search coach, and taught and encouraged me for years after. I found out yesterday that today will be his last day. He was diagnosed with ALS less than 2 years ago, but his symptom have progressed rapidly to the point where last week had about 5% use of his hands. His cryptic post yesterday on Facebook had several of his friends confused, wishing him well in his move and promising to visit when the pandemic was over. The rest of us knew that this was his way of saying good-bye. From the messages one can read how much he had touched the lives of many, many people for the good. I will miss him.

Assisted death is a difficult topic. I doubt that I could choose that as a way to end my days on earth, but I can no longer judge others for choosing that very peaceful route. Who wouldn’t to fall asleep and just not wake up, escaping pain and suffering and tormenting frustrations?

Day Four

We have a new roommate…a wild squirrel has made its home under my roof. Toffee doesn’t know that it is there yet, since it is about two stories above ground level.

Years ago, when I was 6 years old, our family moved into a rental home until we could find one to buy near dad’s new workplace. The small cabin was lovely — right by a stream (full of lizards and other creatures handy for startling my mom) and close to a mountain trail that bears frequented. We attended a two-room school, with one row of desks per grade. A husband and wife team shared the teaching, and families carpooled. All this was nice and pleasant, but I remember being frightened constantly by the rats that lived in the crawl space and attic of that cabin. It smelled like rats; I was ill for those two months with stomach issues.

Now, as I listen to squirrels (or raccoons) scampering across the roof, I am reminded of those rats in the attic from over 50 years ago. Today I will be contacting the pest control people before we get more roommates.

Day Three

Most mornings I listen to news, advice on how to sing better and/or TED talks. This morning I came across a TED talk delivered by actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt, presented in Vancouver in September 2019. That was only a few months before Covid-19 changed everything. He spoke about how our desire for attention can and will affect our creativity. Near the end of the talk he said that he tries to find collaborators rather than competitors. And it hit me that that is what happened during the pandemic. Many music and arts organizations started reaching out and holding webinars, workshops, round-tables and courses aimed at making connections rather than competing with other organizations.

I direct a children’s choir (James Bay Children’s Chorus) and we have been rehearsing online since last April. Teaching online piano lessons was not much of a concern for me, although I did appreciate the BCRMTA suggestions that were sent around. I definitely was not expecting the huge amount of support and encouragement for my online choir adventures! There were the weekly check-ins for choir directors in Victoria, discussions of studies on aerosols and droplets when singing together (University of Colorado, Boulder) webinars and discussions from organizations such as BCCF, NATS, choral organizations around the world including Europe and Australia.

Composers (Mark Sirett and Karen Linford) offering to drop in to our Zoom rehearsals and talk to the children about their song and answer questions. Choir directors from across Canada and USA generously sharing ideas that have worked for them. I could go on and on, but what I really want to say is that each small collaborative effort by these people and organizations have been greatly appreciated. This collaboration has been one of the blessings of the pandemic and I hope it will continue.

Toffee

Toffee is my 11 year old, 16 pound Yorkie. He is my loyal companion, and very forgiving, although quite stubborn when it comes to mealtime. Yesterday we went for a long walk, so today he spent a lot of time sleeping.

Eleven years ago my husband died from a brain tumour. He was that one-in-a-million person who loved me unconditionally. His best friend and my children decided that I needed a puppy to convince me to get up every morning, and go on living. So, they found Toffee, and he did the job!