Day Five

I wasn’t sure what to call this post — Day Five, because it’s the 5th day I have written anything, or Day Six, because I skipped day 5. But, nobody is grading this blog, and I can make up my own rules.

Have you listened to Desirée Dawson’s song To Be Me? “I don’t need permission to be free, to be me”. (Another song of hers, Just Fine, helped get me through the first few months of the pandemic.) So today I will continue my quest to be me, to make up my rules: rules that work for me.

My good friend, an extremely wise, generous, loving and kind man came into my life as a mentor and friend back in 2001. I had just moved to a new city and needed work. He was my assigned work search coach, and taught and encouraged me for years after. I found out yesterday that today will be his last day. He was diagnosed with ALS less than 2 years ago, but his symptom have progressed rapidly to the point where last week had about 5% use of his hands. His cryptic post yesterday on Facebook had several of his friends confused, wishing him well in his move and promising to visit when the pandemic was over. The rest of us knew that this was his way of saying good-bye. From the messages one can read how much he had touched the lives of many, many people for the good. I will miss him.

Assisted death is a difficult topic. I doubt that I could choose that as a way to end my days on earth, but I can no longer judge others for choosing that very peaceful route. Who wouldn’t to fall asleep and just not wake up, escaping pain and suffering and tormenting frustrations?

Day Four

We have a new roommate…a wild squirrel has made its home under my roof. Toffee doesn’t know that it is there yet, since it is about two stories above ground level.

Years ago, when I was 6 years old, our family moved into a rental home until we could find one to buy near dad’s new workplace. The small cabin was lovely — right by a stream (full of lizards and other creatures handy for startling my mom) and close to a mountain trail that bears frequented. We attended a two-room school, with one row of desks per grade. A husband and wife team shared the teaching, and families carpooled. All this was nice and pleasant, but I remember being frightened constantly by the rats that lived in the crawl space and attic of that cabin. It smelled like rats; I was ill for those two months with stomach issues.

Now, as I listen to squirrels (or raccoons) scampering across the roof, I am reminded of those rats in the attic from over 50 years ago. Today I will be contacting the pest control people before we get more roommates.

Day Three

Most mornings I listen to news, advice on how to sing better and/or TED talks. This morning I came across a TED talk delivered by actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt, presented in Vancouver in September 2019. That was only a few months before Covid-19 changed everything. He spoke about how our desire for attention can and will affect our creativity. Near the end of the talk he said that he tries to find collaborators rather than competitors. And it hit me that that is what happened during the pandemic. Many music and arts organizations started reaching out and holding webinars, workshops, round-tables and courses aimed at making connections rather than competing with other organizations.

I direct a children’s choir (James Bay Children’s Chorus) and we have been rehearsing online since last April. Teaching online piano lessons was not much of a concern for me, although I did appreciate the BCRMTA suggestions that were sent around. I definitely was not expecting the huge amount of support and encouragement for my online choir adventures! There were the weekly check-ins for choir directors in Victoria, discussions of studies on aerosols and droplets when singing together (University of Colorado, Boulder) webinars and discussions from organizations such as BCCF, NATS, choral organizations around the world including Europe and Australia.

Composers (Mark Sirett and Karen Linford) offering to drop in to our Zoom rehearsals and talk to the children about their song and answer questions. Choir directors from across Canada and USA generously sharing ideas that have worked for them. I could go on and on, but what I really want to say is that each small collaborative effort by these people and organizations have been greatly appreciated. This collaboration has been one of the blessings of the pandemic and I hope it will continue.

Toffee

Toffee is my 11 year old, 16 pound Yorkie. He is my loyal companion, and very forgiving, although quite stubborn when it comes to mealtime. Yesterday we went for a long walk, so today he spent a lot of time sleeping.

Eleven years ago my husband died from a brain tumour. He was that one-in-a-million person who loved me unconditionally. His best friend and my children decided that I needed a puppy to convince me to get up every morning, and go on living. So, they found Toffee, and he did the job!

This is me…

I was born in Kelowna. The story goes that my dad was away from home (then Fort St. John) studying for his master’s degree in Edmonton, so mom went to stay with my grandma for help with childcare. My older brother was 1 at the time.

15 months later my sister and brother were born. I’m sure my children are afraid that the twin gene will hit their generation, so they have been slow to have children. Or perhaps it has been my reminding them that I am not ready to be a grandma.

Growing up I wanted to be a nurse, then realized that I wasn’t kind enough when it came to dealing with sick people, and was seriously grossed out by things like bed-pans, blood and vomit.

I ended up being a musician and music teacher. Somehow I believe I am still helping people, although not in the same heroic ways that nurses do. That’s fine with me. We need nurses who don’t mind the messy things in life.

  • I have decided to start this blog because I figure it is even more private than a personal journal. As a child I kept a diary until I found it that it was being read frequently by a family member. That is still a fear, even though I live alone
  • I’ll write about things that “occur” to me. Thoughts that I might want to revisit, and funny or sad things that happen, but I have no-one to share with.
  • I would love to connect more with myself. Nobody else needs to read this.
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, I hope to understand myself better. I do know that I am a bit of a workaholic and this might be one way to force myself to stop for a few minutes each day.

The photo was taken not long ago while walking Toffee on a beautifully cloudy day.

Reflections on Toffee

Toffee and I just returned from our morning walk. Normally we go out around 5 or 6, before others are out walking, but today I had too much to do.

At a local fountain where people like to gather for coffee, lunch or chats, I noticed a man blowing me a kiss. My first reaction was ‘how bizarre’ that someone in this day and age would blow a kiss toward a random stranger. Then I thought that he must know me, although with the sun in my eyes and sunglasses and hat on his head, I couldn’t place him. Finally he took his hat off and waved, and I recognized the gentleman who lives around the corner from me.

The first time we chatted was a day when an elderly woman fell on the sidewalk in front of me when I was walking Toffee. A nurse ran to the woman to comfort her while I called for an ambulance and kept a safe distance to keep Toffee from attacking anyone. He is not fond of frail people falling in front of him. I am not happy with his reaction to his own fears, but I am at least aware of it and keep others as safe as possible. This man, Doug, came by and stayed with us until the paramedics could safely deal with the woman and transport her to hospital.

Since that day, Doug and have become friends, chatting frequently. He used to travel often with his wife, but as are the rest us, they are stuck at home for now. I live in a city that feels like a small town. Every day when I head out for walks I see people whom I call my friends, or at least acquaintances. Most people are friendly and look out for each other. These days they show concern and kindness by crossing the road to walk on the empty sidewalk, or step out on the boulevard to pass with distance. Last night I was waiting for take-out along with several others, in front of the local Japanese restaurant. A youngish man was walking determinedly along the sidewalk complaining to all who could hear about life in general…I’ll leave out the specific comments. Another woman who was waiting with me kept a calm tone as she said that he is harmless, and unfortunately has fallen through the cracks (chasms) in the health system. Once again I was reminded that in this neighbourhood people are looking out for each other as best as we can during this time.

My Journey Begins

Today I decided to start my journey out of a self-entered depressed state of mind. They tell me that a tradition of daily gratitude is a good way to start, but of course I didn’t want to keep it that simple. So, I’m going to attempt a daily reflection. Some of my goals are:

  1. Feel better
  2. Write better
  3. Allow creativity

Toffee, my Yorkshire Terrier companion of 11 years keeps me active and amused. Right now he is beside me on his lazy-boy chair, lying on my feet, and groaning impatiently because I am not feeding him 2 hours ahead of schedule. Toffee was a gift from my children following the death of my husband. Toffee’s lazy-boy chair was my husband’s chair.