Reflections

Super-dog

Toffee loved to wear this bandana. Perhaps it was because he received a lot of positive attention from strangers when he wore it. Perhaps because he liked to have something wrapped around his neck. Or maybe it signified that a walk might be happening soon. Last July after Toffee died I gave away many of his things, including food, beds, raincoats, accessories. This super-dog bandana was one of his treasured items that I kept.

Twelve years ago when my husband passed away, each time I saw a photo of him (e.g. at his memorial service) I would fall apart. Tears would flow uncontrollably, just like they are flowing now as I think of him. I knew that as difficult as it might be, I needed to look at his photo as often as possible in order to work through the grief. If I tried to minimize the opportunity for tears and pretend that I was dealing well with the loss, that the grief would only be delayed.

Last July I put together a photo montage of Toffee which I shared with family and friends. That activity allowed me to spend hours looking through photos of Toffee, and bringing back so many fun and happy memories.

I am reminded daily of the many good times and good years spent with my super-dog at my side. His photo is on the fireplace mantel, and his favourite bandana is attached to my fridge.

Deer at dusk

Last November when dad was in the hospital following his stroke there was a big storm which caused floods and fallen trees across the province. One very large tree fell in this area, and has been cleaned up. As I drove back to my mother’s place from a late evening grocery shopping I saw a deer watching me. In this gated community the gates close at 7:00 pm, and I’m wondering if the deer got stuck inside or if they would run and jump over the fence.

Mom and dad lived in this house since a few months before I returned from Thailand with my children. That was almost 30 years ago! I have no idea what it would be like to live in the same town, in the same house for 30 years. Two days ago I went to one of the seniors residences to talk to the representative and take a quick tour. We need to find a place for mom, but after that tour there is no chance I can consider moving her there yet. Assisted living is probably no longer appropriate for her because of the dementia, and memory care is so, so very depressing. The room would be only slightly over 300 square feet. The bed is a hospital bed. Bathtub is in a shared room.

The last time I spoke to my grandfather was to say goodbye before leaving to return to Thailand after one of my trips home. He was in a care home, in a small room like the one described above. He promised me that before the new year he would climb the fence and escape. There was no fence. I don’t think he enjoyed the confinement of the care home. He died on December 29.

If I was moved from a home which I lived in for 30 years, to a place 1/20th size, I would try to escape like the deer at dusk and jump the fence.

Rainbow carrots

Last week while shopping for treats to take to my daughter’s home I discovered a bag of multi-coloured carrots. We enjoyed eating these fresh, tasty carrot sticks. I normally enjoy trying new things, and new ideas. In fact, I don’t like getting stuck in a rut, and often seek new adventures.

This week I am staying with my mother who is struggling with dementia. In her life, routine is very important. Yesterday we were too busy to take care of the weekly laundry, which caused great anxiety for her. We are doing the laundry today, but because she sees on her clock that today is Saturday, I am asked about the change in routine every couple of minutes.

Working freelance most of my life has worked well for me — routine is nearly impossible, since every day has a different schedule. Some days I have time for meals; other days I grab something quickly while heading off to another lesson or rehearsal.

This morning I am taking my mother on a new adventure. We will be going for a drive. She hasn’t done that in months, as my sister has settled into a routine of caring for mom which does not include space for breaking out of the routine. Hopefully I will never give up the desire for adventure.

Cats!

Cats! I have never been fond of cats. To be honest, I was never very fond of dogs until Toffee came into my life. Allergies and fear of the unknown has kept me away from most cats.

This past week I spent several days with my daughter, her fiancé and their two cats. Benji is mischievous and friendly when he feels like it. He is curious about visitors and spends time coming close to sniff and observe what I am doing. Bandit is very shy. He hid inside the couch or under furniture for the first 3 days. Finally he did come out and ventured quite close to sniff my fingers, then went back into hiding. I have no photos of him on my phone because I only saw for less than a minute!

I think I have more in common with cats than I realized. I am lot like Bandit…trying to stay invisible until I trust people. Sometimes I just feel like taking my time before feeling comfortable enough to let them “see” me. There are days when I am more like Benji–curious, yet aloof–then I am pure Bandit again, preferring to hide.

Relating

My mother keeps this toy at her home in case a great-grandchild stops by for a visit. She used to have a stack of Dr. Seuss books but they have been given away to her grand-children. Last week my daughter travelled to visit her grandma and brought Baby “A” along. Mom was happy to have a visitor and eager to help her figure out this toy and talk about shapes.

After my dad passed away in November we tried to get mom interested in puzzles and word games. Each attempt could distract her from the TV briefly but she really has very little interest in games and puzzles anymore. That day was different. My daughter saw a calm and patient and attentive side of her grandma that left an impression on her.

When mom was much younger, and we were all in school, she would volunteer once a week at the local baby clinic. Her responsibility was to weigh the babies, to help the new mothers learn how to care for their babies and she loved to carry them while providing the mothers with a few minutes break from the cries and screams. Mom had a gift for calming the babies and was able to keep most babies from crying. This gift was natural and very evident with Baby A’s reaction.

I want to keep this photo forever. This is how I want to remember my mom. I want to remember how she could relate so well to babies and young children.

Steps

Almost every day for over two years I would climb the spiral staircase to practice and/or perform on the cathedral’s magnificent pipe organ. The first time I climbed the spiral staircase I wondered how dizzy I would become before reaching the top.

In the winter the cold air gets locked in and I climb quickly to reach the warmer cathedral air. In the summer when it is hot outside, I would take my time in order to breathe in the cool air. Dead flies collect on the window sills until the custodian is reminded of the clutter. Spiders climb on the concrete walls. Lost ladybugs are often seen gathering in small groups or all alone on the sill.

In normal pre-pandemic times the choir would climb up, down, up then down again every Sunday morning and again on Sunday afternoon. As the choir members aged and their voices began to lose strength and pitch, their knees would also lose agility. I believe the choir director was secretly thankful for the gentle way of weeding out the aging singers, avoiding the disappointment of a failed audition.

Three weeks ago I played for my final service at the cathedral, and climbed down the spiral staircase one last time, achieving one more step along the way to simplify my life.

The King’s Barge

Auntie Tamada was a very special woman, a distant aunt to my first husband. We lived with her for a few months when we first married, and kept in touch through the years. Her name, Tamada means “ordinary” in Thai. She was far from ordinary. She loved life, and people, and food. Once when my parents were visiting us, Auntie Tamada invited all of us over for dinner which she had ordered from a variety of street vendors. Immediately she recognized that dad wanted to try everything and learn what he could about this new culture (new to him). He had a very gentle and kind spirit, and she insisted on teaching him as much as she could in that short evening about eating Thai food. I was busy with a child, so didn’t take much notice of what was going on, but I think my mom was being ignored.

Auntie Tamada had been a widow for several years at that point, and would tell us stories about her husband. He was very creative, wrote Thai hymns, and was a Christian minister. He also assisted with one of the translations of the Bible into the Thai language. And he carved a replica of the King’s barge out of a water buffalo tusk.

After dinner that evening she insisted that dad take the King’s barge home to Canada with him. It stayed on his shelf for many years. Now it sits on top of my china cabinet.

I wonder why this extraordinary woman was given the name “Tamada”…

Visitors

Now that Toffee is gone, I receive visits from many curious creatures. Lately several cats have stopped by to check in on me. With no barking Yorkie to chase them away, they seem to be curious. Or maybe they smell the mouse that lived here briefly.

One day as I sat doing some work at my dining table, within less than 10 minutes I had 4 cats stop by to look in. At least two live in the neighbourhood and the others are strays. This evening Milo (a black and white cat that lives in a quadraplex behind my house) stopped by to watch me change the lock on my front door. He is still very shy but did stop and stare for quite a while.

I am not a cat person. In fact, I really don’t like cats. But, before I became Toffee’s human, I also didn’t like or trust dogs! Now that my daughter has two beautiful cats, I might just start to like cats after all.

I think a lot of times we decide not to like something because of fear or other uncertainty. When I was quite young and few times since, I had some scary encounters with dogs. One that I remember vividly was being chased by a German Shepherd through an orchard while I was on my bike. Many times in Thailand I was threatened by dogs. Cats are a different story — I’m allergic to most cats, so try to stay away from them.

What other things have I missed out on because of fear or perceived threat?

Spring

Parts of Canada still have several feet of snow, with lakes frozen solid and icy roads. Victoria folk are enjoy the cherry blossoms, daffodils, camellias and all kinds of other flowers. In fact, we plant winter flower gardens to keep the streets bright and colourful from late November to early March when the snowdrops and crocuses start to bloom. This photo of a cherry tree, typical of the trees which line most streets in Victoria was taken yesterday.

Years ago when I lived in Thailand I enjoyed the bountiful harvests of fruit year-round. Flowers bloomed non-stop throughout the year and from what I recall, they were the same flowers all the year — bougainvillea, jasmine, hibiscus, orchids. Even though all of those are very beautiful, I missed my favourite from Canada, which is the daffodil. After a few years I started to miss the seasons. Thailand has a rainy season, and a rainier season. Sometimes there are a few cool days early January, but not enough to stop flowers from blooming.

The autumn in Canada is when plants start to die down, the leaves fall and vegetables are harvested. Winter is white and not much grows outside (in some parts of Canada). Spring is the best time, when one by one plants shoot up out of the ground. Flowers begin to bloom again and life is good! The new life is a reminder that there are better days ahead.

I think we need the autumn and winter of our lives to really appreciate the new life that spring brings.

Over the past 30 years I have moved several times. Strangely, the most common time of year for my move has been in October. In each new home, one of the first things I have done is to plant daffodil bulbs before the snow falls. Then, in anticipation I wait in the spring for those daffodils to bloom, bringing me hope and joy.

Left behind

Many years ago, my daughter’s roommate left this beautiful vase behind when she moved out of our home. I loved it the first time I saw it, but because at that time it wasn’t mine, I could only look at it! Years after the roommate moved out, I tried to return it to her, but she didn’t recognize it. How could someone not remember an object this beautiful?!

I love the smooth, round shape. It is made of wood, probably hand-made. The soft brown colour reminds me of walks in the forest.

Today I have been thinking of how easy it is to forget about items that are so precious to others. The same goes for people…how often do we meet someone then quickly erase them from our memory.

I have taught probably close to a thousand students in my 40+ years of teaching private lessons, but I could probably only name about 50. Some study for a month or two, others have been with me for years. I remember many of the them by name, while some I can only recall the circumstances.

One such child was a student of mine for about 4 months. I don’t remember her name, although I do remember her father’s restaurant, and the swing in her back yard where she would go before and after our lessons. Her mother had died and her dad wanted to give her the very best of everything. Unfortunately, the trauma of losing her mom caused this precious child to stop talking. After 4 months of absolute silence from her, I realized that I couldn’t help her, and gave up.

I don’t know how the wooden vase took me to that young child, but it did.