Reflections

Bee bottom

Baby ”A” loves flowers. She likes to pick pretty flowers or leaves, one for each hand, and carry them gently while walking or riding in her stroller. I spent the day with her yesterday, enjoying watching her explore her surroundings and discover new things.

She learned how to gently pick mint leaves and not squeeze the prickle bush beside the mint. She learned how to grab wood chips and dirt to scatter carefully at the bottom of the slide — imitating the older child who was most likely imitating the child she had met yesterday.

When do we stop imitating and start innovating? Or is life all about imitating right from birth?

Yesterday I was fascinated with the bumblebees collecting pollen and nectar. They dive in head-first, leaving only their bottoms showing. Much like a toddler diving head-first into new discoveries—oblivious sometimes to their surroundings.

Baby “A” has two very attentive parents, watching every step (and misstep), ready at all times to encourage good behaviour, teach and reprimand. When she is oblivious to her surroundings, her parents will be there to protect her, and to comfort her when they couldn’t protect her.

Memories of a full moon

This was the first full moon after the initial pandemic lockdown in the spring of 2020. In those days Toffee was very eager to get going in the morning. We would get up very early and go for a walk before other people were out. At the time there was very little knowledge of how Covid was spread, and I wasn’t taking any chances, so we would walk when others were still in bed. If we came across anyone on the sidewalk we would cross the street.

My days were filled with online teaching and rehearsals, as well as practicing and of course endless searching for ways to improve on the online work. Webinars, meetings, training sessions, and learning to sew masks. On our early morning walks, often ending at sunrise, I started to notice my surroundings more. The moon seemed to shine brighter and the flowers were bigger and more vibrant than I had ever remembered.

I started to dread the evenings and nights because for many months my neighbours engaged in their own rehearsals of drumming and chanting. Usually they started up in the early evening and sometimes continued until 4 or 4:30 a.m. There was no way to escape the noise, and it wasn’t the soothing kind of music that could potentially put someone to sleep.

The lockdown was sudden and unexpected and a very new experience for most people. Priorities shifted. Once again my life is at a turning point. Most of my work commitments are coming to an end as I ease into retirement. The losses of the past year have caused another shift in my priorities. Though I am excited about having more time to take care of myself there is an element of fear of the unknown. Will I have the discipline to avoid becoming lazy and unproductive? Will I be able to avoid boredom?

This morning I am up way too early. The birds are only now starting to wake. The sky is still dark. The time stamp on that photo from April 2020 is exactly the time it is right now, but there is no moon visible this morning.

Cheers

About 5 years ago my father and I went on a cruise from Montreal to Boston. We decided to spend a few extra days in Boston, exploring and resting before returning home. One place I was very excited to get to was the Cheers Pub, where the American sitcom “Cheers” was filmed. I enjoyed watching many episodes of Cheers, long after their original release (I lived out of the country during the entire series). Dad was excited to be there for completely different reasons. One big reason was that I seldom showed extreme reaction to plans, so he was happy that I was happy! Another reason was that it gave us an excuse to enjoy cold beer in the middle of a hot day.

We spent only 3 1/2 days in Boston and visited the Cheers Pub twice. During the second visit we started chatting with an elderly couple from England who travelled to Boston every year, and come to Cheers each time. They were drinking what looked like a milky beer, as it was served in beer mugs….but it was coffee (with milk). They told us they were did not drink alcohol, but enjoyed the atmosphere of that place.

Dad has never watched the sitcom “Cheers”, but enjoyed every minute of our time in the famous pub. He stood by some of the life-sized cardboard cutouts of the actors, including Norm (George Wendt) for photos. He talked about it for months after, and showed off photos of the pub to his friends. And we both enjoyed the experience; both for very different reasons.

Surprises

Eight years, shortly after moving here, I was sitting outside on the Starbucks patio, enjoying a coffee and chatting with a brave little bird. I believe it is a song sparrow, a species that is fairly abundant around coffee shops and cafes or any place where there might crumbs.

After observing the birds for a few minutes, I took out my phone to take a photo of this sparrow sitting on the back of the chair at my table. I remember being very disappointed when it flew away before I could get a good shot. Imagine my surprise when I got home and took a good look at the photo that I was planning to delete, thinking it was only a photo of a chair on a patio!

Though at the time my eyes saw the sparrow fly away, I surprised myself later and realized that I had clicked at exactly the right millisecond to capture the tiny sparrow lifting off. I wonder how many surprises I have missed by too quickly deleting a photo, or ignoring things going on around me.

Dahlias

Spring is here, we think. This is the coldest May in over 100 years but the days are getting longer and flowers are slowly blooming. I bought these two beautiful dahlias the other day and hope that they will add brightness to my patio all spring and summer….if I treat them right.

Yes, I actually had time to go shopping for something that wasn’t urgent (like groceries). I took an hour one morning on the weekend to grab some soil and a few plants at Canadian Tire, and thanks to covid, some cancelled lessons in the afternoon gave me a chance to plant my small garden plot.

Bit by bit I am stepping away from commitments in my life. Having a few hours on a weekend to spend in the garden felt quite wonderful!

Running away

Maya lives next door. She is supposed to be a house cat, but likes to roam. A few years ago while not yet fully grown, she ran away from home. Her owners looked for her and were hopeful for her return. After three months she was found wandering around a cemetery about 3 kilometres away. Now she is one of the cats who stop by often to visit. Yesterday she was at the door while one of her teenage owners was here for a piano lesson!

I used to run away from home. I wasn’t an overly happy child, and was given the nickname ”Sad-sack-Sandra” by my family. I don’t think I was always sad, just quiet. So quiet that everyone assumed I was sad. I think it was more a case of being misunderstood.

There were days when I was definitely unhappy, misunderstood and sad. Those were the days I would sneak out of the house unnoticed (that was easy because I was often invisible to my family) and then just as quietly, I would sneak back in. Thinking back to my childhood, the times that I ran away from home were related to being bullied, or treated unfairly. At least I thought I was being treated unfairly.

I returned before my parents even knew that I was gone. Getting in trouble was not my intention — I hated getting in trouble for anything and went to great lengths to avoid it. The running away was a chance for me to be truly alone and breathe.

As an adult, running away took on different forms: escaping bad marriages, finding new jobs, moving to a different house or different city. Starting over always seems easier to me than facing the current situation, or dealing with the past.

Children will listen

There is a song called ”Children will Listen” from the musical ”Into the Woods”. It is a song sung to the father who had no father and is afraid because he doesn’t have an example of how to raise his own child.

Careful the things you say, children will listen
Careful the things you do, children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen…
Stephen Sondheim

I tend to turn that around, and wonder what it was that I did that caused my children to display certain characteristics. What could I have done differently? What did I learn from my parents and unknowingly passed on to my children? Will they pass those behaviours onto their own children?

Metamorphosis

Lately these caterpillars are showing up all over; on the side of the house, on the sidewalk, on the front door, in the bushes. I sweep them away when I have time and sometimes I just walk past.

I am curious to know what they will become but I haven’t had much success identifying them. Will they transform into a beautiful butterfly or into a rather plain moth? Naturally, I would prefer butterflies. One has to look much more closely to find the beauty in a moth.

This morning I feel much like those caterpillars, wandering around looking for that perfect spot to build a protective cocoon while I transform into the mystery that awaits. Or am I building a chrysalis to become a butterfly? Whatever it is, I am searching for a way to protect myself and give myself time to heal.

My process is more like tearing away rather than building. I suppose building a protective cocoon involves removing things in my life that have caused harm.

Winds of Time

Do you see the smile on her face? Peace, happiness, joy. She looks so alive!

When my father was visiting this past September he struggled to walk very far so we went for lots of drives. After spending a year and a half isolated in his home, caring for my mother, at the age of 90 dad had lost much of his strength. Before the pandemic he often walked to the office, or drove nearby and walked the remaining distance. Dad was extremely active as a full-time volunteer right up until the office was closed down because of the lockdown.

The week he spent with me was his first chance to get away and relax for two years. We made it feel like a real holiday, and toured around southern Vancouver Island.

The large female figure, rising from the Salish Sea, personifies the beautiful spirit of this place with its unstoppable elements of wind and time. With her knowing smile she seems to say that she has seen it all, and knows what is to come!
Lindalindsaysculpture.com

Time is unstoppable….it just keeps going. We can never go back and redo anything, but we can change what we do and what we value moving forward.

That week in September was a pivotal point in my life, when I realized that life does not go on forever. There will be a point when I face death, and whether that is soon or far in the future, I don’t want regrets. I don’t want to think that I spent so much of my life working that I have not built strong relationships with family and friends.

Scamp

Wham!

I had just finished a lesson in front of my computer and was startled by a loud thud against the window. The cat who visits daily at my patio doors to get a drink of fresh water from Toffee’s dish, had jumped up on my window box to get a better look at me.

The house where I lived between the ages of 8 and 18 had large living room windows, plus French doors that opened up to the patio in the back. One could see directly through from the front yard to the back yard. Every year we would hear and see several birds fly into the front windows. Some flew off, slightly wounded and confused; others lay on the ground semi-conscious for a few minutes then flew away; others died from broken necks or serious head injury. We weren’t sure if they flew into the window because they saw the reflection of the trees in the front yard, or if they were heading for the trees in the back yard, or perhaps they were drunk after gorging themselves on the fermenting yew berries.

I don’t think the cat was looking for anything in particular yesterday. When he comes to drink water he does make sure I’m watching him, although he won’t let me get too close. Sometimes I look out and see him chasing squirrels. One day last January I watched him as he moved slowly, pausing, moving a bit in slow motion, sneaking up on another cat that was sitting at my patio doors, watching me. Scamp (today I decided I would give him a suitable name) got closer and closer to the other cat, until reached out his paw and swatted it on the back, resulting in a bit of a cat fight.

I’m getting to like having Scamp around. The window between us protects me from allergic reaction, and I get to enjoy his company and his antics.