Tattoo

Several years ago I was determined to get a tattoo that symbolized the freedom in my life that I was starting to feel. Freedom from abuse, from feeling cornered in every part of my life, unable to live the life that I desired.

The freedom that was helping me to see who I was and I was becoming.

So, I designed it, changing small details regularly until almost a year ago I finalized the drawing. Then came the decision of which tattoo artist I would hire, and where it would be placed on my body. Would it be in a spot where not even I could see it? Or my shoulder blade, which is almost always covered?

Not long ago it was clear to me that I would not be getting a tattoo on my body. The fear of pain, of perhaps a poor artist translating my design, and also the fear of how it might look in a few years when my skin continued it’s natural sag and wrinkles interfered with the artwork.

In the middle of one night last month, the light turned on in my head, and I knew that painting it on my bedroom wall was a much better idea.

I first pencilled it carefully onto the wall, measuring and levelling. The paint I bought was fairly easy to work with, but my lack of artist training and experience made it difficult to get clean, straight lines. That concerned me.

But as I continued to look at my artwork every morning, and each night before turning out the light, I realized that to look from a distance was the best vantage point. Close-up I could see every flaw, every crooked brush stroke and was discouraged enough to consider buying a can of paint and just painting over the whole wall to erase every trace of the tattoo.

I am enjoying my wall tattoo project. It’s a tattoo for me to enjoy — although it’s easy to show to any family member or close friend who stops by to visit (so far…in several weeks, only one other person has seen it up close). It is a daily reminder that freedom from the prison of abuse, bad decisions and shame is possible. And it won’t happen in just one day of work.

The project is ongoing. Each time I get an idea of how to improve the design, I get out a fresh drop of paint, and try it. I have learned how to wash off what doesn’t work, and to always step back and view it from a distance.