Fifteen years ago yesterday I married a man who loved me more than I could ever ask for. He had total trust in me, and loved me unconditionally. I doubt if that opportunity would ever come again. At his memorial service his best friend quoted in the eulogy:
‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam
At the time I didn’t agree, and I think that that lack of faith or trust is still with me. I would have rather not experienced the pain of losing someone whom I loved so much.
Yesterday I bought myself some roses to commemorate our anniversary. Michael was over-the-moon happy that day 15 years ago–we were both happy! Only a few days later we found out that his brain tumour had tripled in size, and 3 1/2 months later he passed away. And now as I get older I realize that even if I allow myself to fall in love again, there will never be a chance for a long term relationship; there just simply aren’t enough years left.
So I continue to avoid the pain.
Reflections 
I understand. I don’t know that I agree with your solution, but I also believe that only we can determine what we can and cannot stand, and when. It’s possible you may find eventually you are willing to take the chance again. Or not.
The important part is that you are comfortable with the decision you’ve made.
It’s not always easy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read this statement by Mark Nepo yesterday. “In living our one life, we are here to love and lose. No one knows why. It is just so. If we commit to loving we will inevitably know loss and grief. If we try to avoid loss and grief, we will never truly love. Yet powerfully and mysteriously, knowing both love and loss is what brings us fully and deeply alive.”
Good for you for buying those flowers in remembrance of Michael, the time you shared together as husband and wife and allowing yourself to be deeply alive with those precious memories.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is a powerful statement. It sure gives me something to think about. I have been working hard to avoid the pain of loss.
LikeLike