Boundaries vs Walls

Many epiphanies happen in the mornings, either while gardening or in the shower. Yesterday, while in the shower, I came to the realization that I have created a boundary-monster. My boundaries involving a relationship are so solid and inflexible that they have become high walls. I started to search articles and videos that explained the difference between boundaries and walls.

One explanation compared our lives to a lovely rose garden. If we have no boundaries, then dogs or vandals can come in and destroy. (In my real garden, it’s the deer that come in and destroy!)

Back to the rose garden–if we put up high, solid walls, the sun cannot reach the roses, and people can’t enjoy the beauty of the garden, since they are not allowed in. (This is where I am in that relationship right now.)

With healthy boundaries–appropriate fences and gates–others can enjoy the garden, the sun can shine in and the garden (i.e. our life and relationships) can thrive.

This past spring I moved to an adult community of about 390 homes. Everyone who lives here must be at least 45 years old. It’s a lovely, quiet community with rules; three pages in fact, and more each month. My sister and her husband had moved in here 3 years ago, so my decision to buy this house was a tough one. My sister does not normally understand boundaries, therefore I had to make mine very clear to her (fortunately my brother-in-law understands me very well!) without building a wall. It was difficult at first, and she struggled with the idea that she was not allowed to tell me what to do with my house, yard or life. Things are better now! We look after each other’s homes and yards when necessary. We help each other with work around the house, and with caring for mom. The sunflower in the photo above which is reaching toward the sky was growing in my sister’s garden. She has a bird netting around her garden of tomatoes, beans and sunflowers to keep the deer out, since the rules state that no permanent fencing is allowed. The deer roam and feast freely.

In two other areas of my life I have not yet established a proper fence or netting. In my relationships, especially with the friend mentioned in my previous post, I have built such a thick, high wall that I have probably scared him off. There is currently no door in that wall. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to crack it open a little bit.

In the other area of my life–work–I have once again said “yes” to too many requests, and am regretting some of the commitments I have made. My desire (need?) to help has got in the way of my better judgement. I really have chosen to retire, but without the ability to say “no” to either exciting new projects or requests to save the music program at a church, I am now in a very difficult situation that is causing anguish in my daily life. That is the discussion going in my head throughout the day and half the night. Why did I take this on? How can I get out of it? How can I set boundaries now that I’m in the middle of it? The rose garden of my life is getting trampled.

The sunflower really has nothing to do with this constant balancing act that goes on in my head every day, but I am certain it would not have reached that height without the netting to keep the deer out of her garden.