Options

This is the view that greets me each morning as I open my front door. The Rhododendrons have been full and lush this spring, and in my dark, back corner they bloom relatively late in the season. When I look outside in the morning, and when I go for walks in the neighbourhood I am reminded how fortunate I am to live here.

I am writing lists in my head, going over my options for the future. Trying to sort through the pros and cons of each of my three main possible paths. If I move away I am giving up a beautiful corner of the world. If I stay I will continue to be semi-isolated from family, on an island that seems such a chore to leave when necessary. And do I sell and never be able to afford to return, or do I rent out my place?

Although I would never want to return to the way I was, there was a strange comfort in just being obedient–first to my parents, then to my partners, then to my children. So now, I have to accept all the responsibility for my decisions, and can no longer blame others. But isn’t that what I have always wanted–to make my own decisions?