For a New Beginning

Dear Rita….
I enjoy my weekly walks with your mother on Sunday mornings. It gives me a chance to focus on someone else, and take my thoughts away from my own issues. We have interesting conversations, even if we don’t always understand each other. The translation apps are helpful!

Yesterday morning, after our conversation, I walked home feeling like I had been dishonest with you. Not totally dishonest, just more like not telling you the whole truth. I said that I would continue to teach your children as long as I could. But, I left out the fact that I plan to retire in June.

My turning point was in the summer of 2021 when Toffee died. After that I took on more work since I had the time. I no longer had to be concerned about how many hours a day I was away from the house. I had no more responsibilities. And I was desperately lonely without him. Students helped filled the void.

Then my father died. I knew I was working too much, but I didn’t want to let anyone down. I worked, and continued to agree to new projects, but within a few months I burned out. I dropped many of my commitments, keeping only those that I felt effective doing, such as teaching and leading the children’s choirs.

And, I kept teaching some students, including your children. I have learned so much from teaching A and S. They are curious about music even if they don’t follow the usual plan. It has been fun letting each of them take the lead along the path that they want to take. I understand that finding a new teacher that they can connect with might be a challenge, considering their unique neurodiversities, but I am committed to helping with that search.

Two weeks ago I received some bad news, starting with my neighbours’ announcement that they would be moving. They were my closest allies in this largely dysfunctional strata. That was followed by a call from the hospital requesting an appointment for me to come in for further imaging. My family history of cancer once again slapped me wide awake, and put my brain into doomsday overdrive. Then word that a close friend was just diagnosed with a brain tumour.

My constant thought throughout the past two weeks has been “I don’t want my life to end before I spend time with my children and grand-kids”. My retirement was already in the planning stage, but it has been suddenly moved forward three years.

FOR A NEW BEGINNING
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

John O’Donohue