Lurking

It was a simple question, but I was unable to answer. It took all my strength to compose myself and still there was no way I could bring myself to voice his name.

I have worked to erase him from my memory for years. Thanksgiving weekend, 21 years ago we were able to escape and venture out on our own, to live in a cute little 100 year old home. My children and I celebrated that Thanksgiving with sincere thanks, enjoying peace and quiet, feasting in safety on a Rotisserie chicken from Safeway.

He tore my life apart, preying on me and my children when we were most vulnerable. There are parts of us that none of us will ever be able to get back, and trust and innocence that is gone forever.

Many months after we moved out my girls quietly went through all our old photos, tearing his head out of each one of them. Sometime after they finished tossing his images, I threw all the photos out. I wish it could be that simple. I wish the memories and horrors could be thrown out like trash.

We moved away from that town, started a new life, made friends, and each day I hoped that by ignoring my feelings and getting super busy with life and work, that the memories and feelings would go away.

Well, that didn’t work. When I’m least prepared, and also when I am as prepared as I can be to block them, something triggers those awful memories. They seem to be lurking deep down inside just waiting for an unguarded moment.