Revealing

The clock said 4:23. I don’t know if it was the cat crying outside that woke me, or the nightmare. That dream was vivid–and was the kind of dream that stays with me all day.

The airport in my dream was crowded, although nothing even close to what I experienced on Boxing Day. I don’t know where I was headed, and I doubt that my destination even matters. People were quiet, keeping to themselves although starting to form lines to board their flights. Then all of a sudden I looked up and almost every person that I could see was maskless. I looked around to try to figure out why everyone would have taken their masks off. In the distance I saw my brother who had also removed one of his two masks, but was hesitant to go totally naked. I was the only one wearing a mask. People were starting to chat with each other, and neglected to maintain physical distance.

Someone commented that it was for a group photo. But when cameras were put away only a few people replaced their masks. It was like the whole country had been given permission to return to the previous “normal”. I’m not ready for that.

Lately I have made a decision to cut back on most of my work beginning this June, when the school term ends. With predictions of the pandemic becoming endemic there will be the lightening of restrictions in the community, in the schools and every place where I have been working outside of my home. I have been considering my comfort level of being in a room with many other people, either talking or singing, without masks or social distancing. These thoughts bring fear and anxiety. I want to minimize potential exposure to any illness.

Or, is that really my fear — the illness? I have come to appreciate the anonymity that the mask provides. Most people don’t take the time to really look into your eyes when the mouth and half of the face is covered. The mask provides that barrier and the distance that I certainly have grown to value.

When I am wearing a mask I can cry and no-one really notices. I can smile or frown, keeping my eyes steady. Again, nobody notices. And when you are wearing a mask people tend to keep their physical distance as well. It’s like the mask is a reminder that we still need to be careful. A protective barrier. Life without a mask will require significant change in what has become very normal behaviour for me.

Dreams that stick with me throughout the morning and sometimes throughout the day and many days beyond can reveal a lot about what is really going on deep inside.