Birds at the window

Each room here at Hospice House has a little bird feeder outside one of the windows. I noticed that birds were constantly at the feeder across the hall, in Michael’s old room. Dad’s feeder had no birds visiting at all until a few minutes ago. I wonder if he could hear the chirping. I wonder why all of a sudden the birds came.

I also wonder how much weaker a person could possibly get before leaving this physical body. The breathing is weak and the pauses are getting longer, but he keeps on breathing again. Is he waiting for my brother to arrive? That will be at least 5 more hours. Dad is putting up such a strong fight.

When Michael was dying he reminded me to keep the curtains open so that he could leave. This was several days before he actually did leave. On that final morning, the curtains were open. Dad has given no instructions. He was doing everything possible in his life to make sure he could look after mom, and not have to die before she did. Mom is scared of life without dad and requires constant reassurance that my sister will stay with her. Dad knew that she would feel that way, and he worked so hard to make sure he stayed strong and healthy, but at the same time keeping his records in order.

There are many things I have learned in these past two weeks — many things I need to say and have written down so that when decisions need to be made, there will be no question or confusion, nor disagreement among family. My sister and I are in total agreement over many things, but my brother is not. Here are some of my thoughts and desires:

• Keep me covered when in hospital
• I don’t want my life prolonged if what I have is terminal, or if there is permanent severe brain damage (i.e. I am unable to communicate)
• Physical limitations are okay, but if my mental capacity is gone, then palliative is best
• Hospice is my preference, to keep family and friends sane
• When visiting, keep numbers low and talking to a minimum. Say what needs to be said, but incessant chatter is discouraged
• Visitors should be kept to immediate family, cousins and close friends. I’ll leave a list somewhere
• I like listening to music, but check my Spotify and YouTube to see what are my current favourites. Classical, Baroque and jazz are nice, but I also like pop music
• More will be added as time goes on…….

When I die I want people to party. Drink a toast to me; many toasts to a life full of adventures, restarts, joys, learning. I generally don’t like big parties but I know that many people do, so I will be very happy to provide the reason to party.

The birds came back a second and third time to fight over the seeds. They are gone again….nope, they are just teasing us!