I have been awake since shortly before midnight. Nothing seems to be helping, so I decided to watch a movie. As usual I was drawing some comparisons about my own life, and started contemplating some of my past reactions to conflict.
This movie was about a young girl who discovered that her “dad” was not her real dad, and she went on a road trip along with a new acquaintance to find her real dad. The movie takes place in the UK and the road trip starts in London. They have many adventures and discoveries about life as they head to Scotland.
I started to get excited about my own cross-country trip this summer, thinking about the constantly changing scenery across Canada that I’ll once again observe on the drive. Then I started to think back on why and when I would feel the need to go on drives.
As a young child whenever I felt overwhelmed by conflict at home, I would run away. Those short runs seldom lasted longer than an hour — I didn’t want anyone to notice that I was gone. I think the longest episode was under two hours, when I realized that if I wasn’t home soon I would miss the call for lunch, and I would get into far too much trouble from mom!
Once I was old enough to drive, I remember loving the feeling of freedom when I went for drives down to the lake. Of course I couldn’t get permission (or car keys) to just leave without a “real” reason or a destination until my parents moved away and left me behind. By that point, since I was alone in the house there was no reason to “escape” although I do recall driving far enough out of town to go on hikes.
Later, during my first marriage, when conflict happened I would get in the car and drive nowhere in particular. At the time we lived in Bangkok and traffic jams were the norm, so “driving” did not give me a sense of freedom. Getting out of the house was necessary but provided little relief.
During another marriage I would go on drives to escape the violence. Those were not long drives since my children were still at home. They were definitely escapes to help me clear my head and my emotions which did help calm me down.
Driving across the country is something I look forward to. The actual trip itself takes 6-7 days. I make it longer by stopping to visit along the way. This summer I have my new-found 2nd cousins, and my dad’s 1st cousin (whom I only found out about a few months ago!) to meet, my granddaughters and other family and friends.
The question I am asking myself is — is my cross-country drive an escape from something, or to something? Is it an escape? Is it a search for something? In June I will have many hours, and days to attempt come up with an answer.
Reflections 