Yesterday I came to the realization that I have no one I can talk to who can—or will—listen. Dad is gone. Mom can no longer remember, understand or follow a conversation. My siblings tend to judge, or tell me how I should live my life.
My children all have huge problems that they are dealing with, and it’s important that I am available to listen to them….not the other way around.
The man who wants to be more than a friend is totally incapable of stopping long enough to hear me, let alone really listen without judgement. He has many, many stories of his own that he needs to share. His own relationships with family and friends are all based on his need to step in and help. I don’t think he is prepared to be with someone who needs independence and desires freedom.
Lately I have been talking to my plants as I work in the garden, and even having conversations with the earthworms, apologizing to each one as I dig it out of the sod and re-home in the freshly churned soil.
Loneliness is now the result of putting up walls in order to hang on to my independence and freedom. It is the choice that I have made and have been working on for a long time, yet quiet nights lit up by the Harvest Moon emphasize the pain of loneliness. Moonlit nights are among the moments that are best when shared with a trusted companion.
Reflections 