Even without Toffee here to wake me early in the morning, I find that I am usually wide awake by 5. This morning I slept in an extra hour, possible because of a late night phone call with one daughter who just experienced a very stressful week and needed to decompress.
I was reading through some of the writing prompts from The Isolation Journals and two stood out to me — “The Wilderness Inside Us” and “A Day in the Life of my Dreams”. Both topics seem quite connected in my life. My dream day would be spent mostly in the wilderness. My dream home ever since I was a young child was a cabin in the woods. I dreamed of living far from others, in a small log cabin surrounded by disorganized yet beautiful gardens full of edible plants. There would be a creek with fresh water, and fish flowing nearby. And of course chickens with plenty of eggs to eat.
It is late summer now, heading into fall. The sun rose just a little bit later this morning, and the air is perfectly cool and crisp. Sitting outside with my first cup of hot, black coffee, listening to the birds chirping, my hens clucking and murmuring, I can plan my day.
There isn’t much to do yet this morning. As I look over at the herbs in my garden, I decide that an omelet is a good choice for breakfast. Since all my years in Thailand, and getting used to a very nutritious breakfast of rice, vegetables and eggs every morning, I have never followed the diet of coffee and toast, or muffins or doughnuts. For me it is often the best meal of the day.
The dedicated, hard work of my younger days has paid off for me. My children are all settled on their own paths to their visions of a successful and happy life. They don’t need me close by, although they are always excited to see me. I think about the story I heard yesterday of someone whose in-laws lived next door, and how stifling and overwhelming that is when trying to raise children. I don’t want to do that to my family. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Nobody needs mom or grandma watching every move they make!
As a child I did not expect to have a family. I was told at a fairly young age that motherhood was not my gift, and I believed it. In fact, I didn’t even expect to get married. That changed! My four children survived being raised by someone not suited to be a mother. We were more like a team—all working together for survival in this world of uncertainty. We survived many things; those might be shared in future posts, but I’m not ready yet.
Back to my dream day. Actually, the details are difficult for me. I can recall details, but imagining them aren’t something I can do easily. So I’ll just reflect on what my idea of a dream day of my future might keep me satisfied.
The pandemic has been tough, even for me. I like to think I am stable, well-adjusted and adaptable. Over the past year and a half I have learned many things, and changed my teaching methods and expectations; I have moved from focusing on collaborative work to teaching. But, there have been some very low days for me. Losing Toffee was very tough. I hated the loneliness, yet didn’t want to be near anyone. I just wanted solitude. Of course total solitude is not good, although it seemed to be what I needed. Friends would check in on me, sending occasional emails or text messages. My kids and father called often to make sure I was okay. Mostly I needed to cry it out, and take care of grieving step by step…my own steps. Not some 7-stages of grief plan that the experts decide is correct.
I have been through grief before. I knew what might help.
Back to the pandemic and solitude. The worst part for me was when the restrictions are gradually lifted and I am expected to return to life as normal. People gather now without wearing masks, and without maintaining physical distance. I was criticized at a certain church for playing and singing with my mask on. Even though I am fully vaccinated, there is still a risk. It might be a very small risk, but it was also small for many who have had break-through cases. And I know that there are many in that church who have chosen to not be vaccinated. Fortunately they could not resolve some of the technical issues of a hybrid service, so they are back online for another two months. And now I am safely isolated, playing from my piano at home, and connected virtually.
I want to retire. I am ready now to retire, but not sure how to go about it. Maybe one more year of teaching and occasional performances, and then I’ll decide on a new adventure. Gradual retirement will not work for me — too many exciting opportunities are available, and I can’t see to let them go by without accepting the challenge. I have tried to semi-retire, but within a few months my schedule was full again.
In the day of my dreams I will be retired.
Reflections 